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A lot Has Changed in My Life

A lot Has Changed in My Life

I just completed going through "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I have just turned 47. Even though on the inside I am a complete mess, I always try look cheerful by putting a smile on my face trying to look happy in front of the others.

Although I have realised for some time that I have issues with alcohol, this book helped me to deal with them. but strangely got me relieved to know I am not alone. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Developing to maturity was very difficult - my dad was a serial cheater, my mum had no self-respect and overweight, unpopular me was abandoned to take care of myself most of the time. Emotionally, I was totally self-reliant.


This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. Thus started my adventure into episodic drinking and consequent terrible conduct - running from power outages, to awful aftereffects to unseemly sexual exercises.


With a feeling of being obese the only way I knew I could engage in anything sexual with boys under the influence of alcohol was to loosen up by taking alcohol.


I woke up one morning, stripped in bed with some person in a fraternity house in Montreal..... I recollect and it is really a ponder I didn't get truly harmed, wind up in a doctor's facility or plastered tank or pregnant.


With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.

Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. But then as life goes on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed workaholic husband with infuriation problems.....wine on weekends turned into wine Thursday-Sunday.


My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.

Immediately I arrived home - and encounter the household disorder, getting supper, attempting to receive ADHD boy to pay attention on homework while prying the other person off his iPod'.. I can just think about combining that drink'..which I keep filling again till finally I become asleep or faint. In the mornings, first thing I carry out is examine my I-phone to observe whom I may have unknowingly texted while drunk.


Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. The affair never proceeded to sexual interaction (except for a few hugs and standing beside each other at sporting events) but if any of you have learnt about (or undergone) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and powerful, if not more so than a sexual relationship. I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.


I was elated than I had ever been. Soon the affair began to get intimate and suddenly out of the blues he ended it. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.

The cocktails I have been mixed helped me to cope with the pain from the loss I experienced.

Every time I remember the events of my life, a sensation of guilt runs through me. Series of my drunken journey:

  • I got hammered really hard at a cocktail party last Christmas.
  • Drunk at the golden jubilee celebration of a relative.
  • Mouthing off on my iPhone
  • Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
  • I threw punches at my husband's face so often
  • A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over

I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I feel like I am returning back home.